by Dirty Pour 08. 24.18
HOUSEWORK
“Guess what I did last weekend, Gurl!”
HOUSEWORK – Hello Ladies and Gentleman it’s yours truly, Dirty Pour. Doing a little late Spring Cleaning. But actually I’m not cleaning at ALL. That’s right, I’m setting on my fat, lazy, ass. Like a filthy little piglet with a whole lotta sass. I’m sad to say but it’s ALL true. Dirty Pour’s OLD, mad, COLD, & blue. I remember back in the day when I had gots these here Vegan lamb-chops tucked and cuddled, ready for plucking underneath my cyber micro mini skirt & YES matching dog collar (pumps NOT always included in certain locations). Giving you strong sensations. I could make you holler and exhale for while in exchange for a few Benjamin dollars. I’m feeling SALTY, bitter, and Depressed. Really, Dirty?! YES! YES! I do confess IMA big ol mess in a dress who just finished their LAST synopsis. Where, oh where’s my future ex-papadopoulos? My Superbpoundapuss? A Sniffabumpoffacockofalottalust? My Candy War-Buckamegalopolis? My Dianerodhamawaspforus? Or simply someone who LOVES to spoil me ROTTEN and likes it when I fusssssss…???
Raise a family together. My mood would be better. Build a HUGH Mc Mansion to shield us from any stormy weather. Our bedroom and kitchen’s color would be Gray, Heather. With two little ones so cute and another on da way. I want at least three so they can have each other to play. If my lover shall leave, child support best believe they will pay. When it comes to money honey, Cruella don’t play. I wanna name my 1st baby Proper Pour cause they going be like me you see. I wanna to name my 2nd baby Double Pour cause they going be twice as dirty, flirty, and very wordy. MY 3rd baby Slinga Pour cause by then IMA be suffering from sore titty galore, won’t wanna sling no more. Years of changing diapers will be way too shitty, for shore. Will my partner and I still wanna chill after having stretched out kittyville? Fish outta water, wide open gill. tilted uterus and blown out cervix your chomping mouth, a blinged out grill. Keeps munching and crunching acting like it’s a 7 course meal. When really my 5 star banquet hall has fallen to a three dollar deal.
I’ve been sitting here contemplating ALL da HOUSEWORK that I have to do. Scrubbing floors and moving furniture makes me wanna boohoo. I mean yes there is an abundance of prosperity… and an abundance of hott mess. Hopefully I’ll be blessed from my lack of rest. I have rigorously given time, due diligence, precision, tenacity, accuracy, what more must I invest in thee? Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. I’m trying to contemplate how we got in this predicament in da first place you hoe. I say HONEY if you gots BEEF, take it to a dance flow. Leave da drama with your mamma and let da BEATS go!!! Meet me on da dance floor you whore. Or just lean there and be a bore. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Let’s go back to my room. Now all I needs is a LOVER by this past June, 100 carats REAL soon, and a mother FUCKING classy ass traditional honeymoon. Then whomever can conquer my womb with da Dick of Doom or we can swap each otha’s clits to consume. Then shortly after I would build a loom to weave da new family’s throw overs, spritzed with colonel and perfume.
Howeva, time is running out…. My ovaries are starting to shrivel up not sprout. Like dried-out outdated cranberries found in da back of a lunchbox made in da late 80’s. Bought at a thrift store as a novelty item that could be taken to Haiti. But was forgotten about until forced to eating them for nourishment to stay alive, CRAZY!!! Because that was ALL you had while you’re stranded on a highway like a tramp or a bag lady. Therefore you have to start walking, in da middle of NOWHERE Baby. Due to over sleeping and missing your destination then waking up VERY hazy and THAT bus driver was Sooo…! VERY kind but lazy. Like trafficking Ms. Daisy, howeva kind enough to drop you on off rite THERE (in a different city, I know it only gets worse from here). ONLY to have a cop stop you to deregulate you and begin interrogating you. Of course you ask da trooper why are you being stopped (like any other victim that you see on da news tube).
HOUSEWORK, It doesn’t end here, at least with this adventure, Dear…. Officer FUCK-you-Gently informs you you can’t be on da freeway without a vehicle. You ask him if he’d be so kind and drive you to da next exit hoping for a miracle. As you embarrassingly wipe away sweat trickle. No, he replied being tacky, petty, fickle. He says he would if you were lost deep in da woods. Treating you like a deteriorating termite infested nickle that’s no good. But since you were out along a busy area that was visible, you could keep your wiggle and jiggle to that next exit as you giggle. Sooo…? You then start to flex like a Mex running strait to Tex dodging a Santeria hex before Trump-dump’s wall is in FULL effects. Naturally your next exit is where those semi truckers have their rest stop. Swiftly you do a little truck stop hop and earn you a few coins to get home safe. No time to waste. There’s about 30 drivers to taste. At his point don’t matter what race. Hopefully you have a little grace and are wearing a thong backed lace. Now if they don’t pay you up front then spray them with mace.
Before I forget I wanna apologize to ALL of you Dirty Pour supporters. I have not been writing sooner because I’ve been having Dyker’s Block not to be confused with a Dirty Block. For those of you who don’t have a clue, Dyker’s Block is when someone who is an Artist or Writer from the LGBTQAH Community or supporter has writers or creative block. A Dirty Block or Dirty Blocking is in which you get cut-throat cockblocked by a trained, skilled, and lethal Cockblocking Agent. Example A. You’re with someone who you’re digging as well as a homie to wing you. Instead they drug you then fuck that person you were feeling rite next to you while you’re knocked out. Example B. You’re relaxing at home watching a movie with a date when your roommate conveniently comes home proclaiming “Gees, you’re bringing a different one EVERY nite!” “Btw. Did you and THAT otha thang ever gets your test results back yet?” Well, kiddies farewell and remember keep it cute and keep it clean!
-Dirty Pour
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